Have you ever seen footage of Palestinian kids throwing rocks at Israeli tanks? Well, City v. Chelsea was a bit like that. Initially scared, we'd pluck up the courage to pass it about a bit and hopefully knock a few balls forward, then go to pieces when Chelsea fired some heavy ammunition. Ultimately, we posed no threat to Israeli boss Avram Grant's forces. 

Following some opera nonce's rendition of Nessun Dorma (None shall sleep), City made sure nobody was sleeping with a prolonged burst of rather  fireworks that heralded the entrance of both teams. An over the top display that made us look like Lower League Shite who viewed this game as a cup final /payday  as opposed to an established and upwardly mobile Championship club? Maybe. Refusing to be outdone by lungbusting opera singers and loud bangs, MC Steve Jordan reverted to type and bellowed so hard into the mic that he was inaudible, not for him the 'less is more' philosophy. Dilweed.

Through the clearing smoke we could see City line up as; Myhill; Delaney, Brown, Turner, Ricketts; Elliott, Livermore, Ashbee (Capt.), Okocha; Pedersen and McPhee. Chelsea for their part lined up; Cudicini; A Cole, Terry, Ben Haim, Belletti; Sinclair, Sidwell, Essien, Wright-Phillips; Kalou, Pizarro.

City kicked off, playing towards the South Stand, backed by an initially vocal Tiger Nation who enquired of the visiting fans "Where's your special one?" which raised some ire. Chelsea's following was a ragtag bunch, credit to those who had travelled from London after Chelsea arranged subsidised train travel, but they too must be slightly embarrassed by meffs with "Scunny Blues" and "York CFC" flags. 

Chelsea's first move of note caused some panic in our box, an intricate series of passes came to an end in our box when Damien Delaney scrambled the ball away for a corner, the first of many. Shaun Wright-Phillips might be in the Guinness Book of Records for most corner kicks taken in a 90 minute period following this game, from his myriad of deliveries Chelsea fashioned a few half hearted chances, the best being when Sidwell had a shot deflected wide by Delaney's chest/arm, several shots were fired wide after mayhem in the box, but City survived. Jay Jay Okocha even took time to play keepy uppy as we cleared our lines.

He looked the only City player not to have a twitchy sphincter in the first fifteen minutes, we really did look nervy, even routine passing triangles were completed with nervous jitteriness and our movement was laboured and not fluid. As a result, shots on goal were few and far between, the first of note was from Okocha from outside the box but it was deflected away for a corner. The Nigerian delivered it himself but John Terry sent it away to safety with what MLS commentators call a 'combover header'.

None of our chances were clean attempts at goal, there was always a Chelsea body in the way to end our attacks. Stephen McPhee was put through by Pedersen but by the the time he'd swung a boot at the ball he was crowded out by blueshirts and the move spluttered out. Mind you, that happens with McPhee against run of the mill Championship defenders, let alone those of John Terry's ability. His time at City should be curtailed, we need better. 

Damien Delaney played the ball down the left touchline for Henrik Pedersen who took an amusing looking tumble that the ref fell for, giving us a free kick a yard in from the goal line. Jay Jay put the ball in, and after a melee a shot was fired wide across goal, but Ashley Cole had been illegally  bundled over so it mattered not. 

City were growing in confidence, Chelsea weren't going for it, playing well within their ability, so City looked a little more enterprising, but they left gaps in midfield. Shaun Wright-Phillips always appeared to have no one within ten yards of him whenever he received the ball, and though he can be profligate, he shot over a couple of times, that's just inviting trouble. Livermore sent a raking crossfield pass towards Pedersen but Ashley Cole was alert and gently headed the ball to Cudicini. 

The ground was eerily quiet for a brief period before the North-East corner decided to once more point out the departure of the man who guided Chelsea to two Premiership crowns with a rendition of 'Bye bye Mourinho' to Verdi's 'Le donna e mobile'. At one point the Chelsea fans sung "Hull KR!, Hull KR!". How surreal.

With quickness, Chelsea opened us up again, Essien found Wright-Phillips who played in Kalou, his deflected shot fell into a thankful Myhill's grasp. Scott Sinclair took a fall in the penalty box but the ref was rightly unimpressed and play continued. Sam Ricketts was in fine form marking the 18 year old on the right, he superbly dispossessed Pizzaro in the box and was our best player on the night as he was at Hillsborough, how we could do with a left sided Ricketts. Dawson has stunk so far this year and having Delaney at left back isn't the answer, he just isn't mobile enough. We knew this already, Shaun Wright-Phillips emphasised the point this evening. 

 'SWP ' continued his Guinness Book corners record attempt and found Pizzaro at the near post, his bizarre cross legged shot was put behind for another corner by Delaney. Soon after Kalou is set free by Sidwell's ball but Sam Ricketts catches him and slide tackles the ball to safety. He's ace. A stern faced Sky cameraman films proceedings perched on precarious scaffolding at the back of the East Stand, his ancient looking camera implies this game is not been shown in HD. A High Definition camera can capture the fading of Phil Brown's fake tan and reveal the darkness of Avram Grant's soul.

Stuart Elliott whips in a cross from the left but Terry is superbly positioned  to clear for a corner which Okocha swings in, Cudicini flaps at it but there is no Tiger ready to take advantage and the danger passes. One of City's few clear cut chances goes begging when Pedersen heads Ricketts deep cross well wide, he feigns indignation that Terry got a touch on it for a corner, but it wasn't. Okocha tried to beat Cudicini with a free kick from just inside the half and near the touchline, he was off his line a bit but not that much.

Half an hour gone and so far so ace, we've weathered the storm fairly well thus far. Stuart Elliott goes up for a crossed ball with Carlo Cudicini at the far post, one he's entitled to contest, and makes weak contact with the Italian netminder, who reacts as if he's being raped by an invisible rhino. Okocha finds Elliott on the left and his drilled cross is hacked away with less composure than the Blues defence displayed earlier. City believe now. 

Chelsea are a constant menace though and the Brazilian Belletti turns Elliott inside out on the visitor's right wing but the cross is cleared. Wright-Phillips is sent clear but is thwarted by Bo who comes out to absorb the shot with the kind of decisiveness he's lacked of late. And then, Chelsea take the lead. Wright-Phillips again has the freedom of the right wing and ignoring the scrum of bodies in the six yard box he directs his low cross to Scott Sinclair, entering the box on the far side, and his well struck shot goes through Rickett's legs as he lunges, through the crowd and beyond Myhill. 38 minutes gone, 1-0. It's a fair reward for Chelsea's pressure, they could have had a few if they'd really gone for it early on, but City had defended fairly stubbornly, until now.

City revert back to nervousness and Chelsea go for the kill. Turner desperately clears as Kalou spins to shoot and SWP, in acres of space, is kindly wasteful. City do have a good chance before the break after Okocha twats Ashley Cole in the face with the ball, then delivers a cross for McPhee who hits it on the turn, alas, the shot dipped over the bar. Belletti hurdled Pedersen's clumsy challenge and swung the ball in for Sinclair but he muffs the shot and the half is over. 1-0, and pretty much following the script. Plucky City hold out for a bit until class shows. 

Some bloke performs like a seal to earbleed volume music to entertain those not having a pee/pie/pint/all three during the break. It'd be better if there really was a seal, that'd be ace. 

No personnel changes at the break and Chelsea kick off the second 45, and within minutes the game is over as a contest. Kalou and Pizarro exchanged passes and with our defence in disarray Kalou headed home the Peruvian's cross. 48 mins, 2-0 Chelsea, and City visibly wilted. Shaun Wright-Phillips took a knock earlier in the move and was replaced by Joe Cole.

Communication between Myhill and the defence broke down and with Bo reluctant to claim the ball as it rolled his way, Brown elected to boot it out of play, and a similar thing occurred with Turner soon after. We've gone to pot and on 52 minutes, Chelsea made it three when Cole fed Pizzaro who lateralled  for Sidwell who walloped the ball past Myhill. 3-0, and this can't end quickly  enough now. Elliott and Delaney were replaced by Dawson and Garcia.

The rest of the half was just a procession, with City rarely getting in a clean shot at goal. Pedersen looked knackered after an alright hour, Okocha too was slowing down, and McPhee, well, he's McFeeble. Okocha put him through but rather than attack goal, he stopped and passed backwards. At least have a go, or just go.

Garcia, who has looked peripheral at times this season, did alright when he came on, he had a crack at goal but that was headed behind for a corner but a later shot actually forced Cudicini to earn some of Roman's denarii. Ashley Cole was swapped for Wayne Bridge.

The Tiger Nation was desperate to see City score but after Ashbee headed over it was pretty obvious it wouldn't happen, and instead focus shifted to not conceding a hatful. Michael Turner showed the England rugby union team how to tackle, grappling in the box with Claudio Pizzaro who went apoplectic with rage when the ref ignored it. John Terry had a header cleared off the line by Livermore.

Chelsea's 'support' were fairly quiet, accusing City fans of only coming to see the Chelsea when they did make some noise. "You only come to see Okocha" was the Tiger Nation's cheeky reply. Sam Ricketts got forward and fizzed a shot not too far wide, this lad deserves a lot more recognition than he gets y'know. Belletti splattered the now weary Pedersen to concede a free kick on the left, just near the penalty box. Jay Jay smacked a decent effort not far over.

Pedersen made way for young Nicky Featherstone and Essien made way for Makelele for the visitors. Peruvian ponce Pizzaro simultaneously inspired both amusement and indignation when he rolled over at least eight times after Brown checked him. John Terry and Ian Ashbee squared up to each other over this, which is clever work by Ashbee, he knows that to keep a section of the crowd happy to ignore his technical failings, he just has to play the hardman, kick people and adopt a macho posture when they protest. John Terry was branded a wanker by the City support, everyone ignoring the real villain of the piece, Pizzaro, maybe because "Claudio Pizzaro is a wanker" doesn't scan so well.

There was another goal in Chelsea, and it came some ten minutes before time when Joe Cole danced around our defence and laid the ball off to Kalou who slotted home. 4-0. Dawson hit a long range shot that didn't trouble Cudicini, and it was all over.  

So what did we learn from this game? Well, not much that we didn't know already...Chelsea have strength in depth, Ricketts is ace, Delaney is no left back, City lack a sense of purpose when they have the ball, Pedersen might be quite good when fully fit, McPhee isn't the goalscorer we crave and Chelsea aren't particularly attractive to watch. 

Like Israel, Chelsea are the big power in their neighbourhood, but they have few admirers in the wider community. Avram Grant got his first win as the unqualified Chelsea boss, but he has far bigger worries than us rock throwing kids, like near neighbours with nuclear warheads.

As for City, well we played well for the first half an hour and then in small patches throughout, but we had no answer when Chelsea put the hammer down. That's to be expected, and it's surely more of concern to the regulars among the crowd that City learn how to impose themselves on game against less stellar opposition such Sheffield Wednesday and Ipswich. Fireworks on the pitch? Only as a metaphor please. (LM)