SCIENTISTS DISCOVER GENE THAT MAKES
SCUNTHORPE UNITED FANS ARSEHOLES
Following a scientific discovery that could have huge implications for future generations of inbred Scunts, geneticists at Cambridge University announced last week that they have isolated the specific DNA series that makes fans of Scunthorpe United complete and utter arseholes.
“It has long been acknowledged that most of Lincolnshire’s inhabitants are total wankers devoid of human worth” said Dr Helmut Estoppel, Head of Research at Cambridge.
“It was not until we began clinical testing however, that it became evident that Scunthorpe fans display significantly more wankerous traits than the average yellowbelly.”
Estoppel added; “The most prominent trait shared by all the Glanford Park regulars tested, is that of making preposterous claims, such as the suggestion that Scunny are better than local rivals Hull City, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
We could not understand how anyone could believe such bullshit, until we discovered gene series SCU-1/HC-2.” According to the Cambridge team of researchers, series SCU-1/HC-2 is a set of ‘allelomorphs’, or collections of genetic material that render carriers unable to comprehend rational and logical statements.
Researcher Dr Dodderick Simons said “people with this gene produce up to seventeen times the amount of phucwitamene normally found in a human. Phucwitamene is a naturally occurring rational-thought override endorphin that is released in response to certain types of stimuli, in the case of these yellowbellies, anything relating to Scunthorpe United.”
These endorphins completely disable the higher reasoning functions of the brain, leaving a person susceptible to believing all manner of bollocks, like claims implying Scunny stand a chance of going up this season or that they didn’t deserve to be gubbed both home and away by Hull City last season.
Studies are continuing to determine the exact number of carriers of the gene. Current estimates put the number at around three thousand.
Carriers of the SCU-1/HC-2 gene are hailing the find. Luke Cornhole, editor of the fanzine Iron Deficiency, said “it’s about time science took steps to help people like me realise that I support a shitty little team and that rabid jealousy of Hull City is not productive.”
The discovery of SCU-1/HC-2 is thought to be the most significant advance in gene-mapping since the University of Dusseldorf isolated the gene that makes Hull FC fans claim Hull is a rugby town.
Behaviour Change Functions of SCU-1/HC-2
1. Starts transcription of RNA Sequence which lowers stadium appreciation faculties, allowing subject to believe Glanford Park isn’t merely a glorified shed.
2. Predisposes subject to take the utterances of Brian Laws seriously. David Brightwell’s free kick was naff you know.
3. Produces morality quashing dopamines that allow subject to commit incestuous acts guilt-free.