What is the Conference like? Well, imagine the scariest thing you can and it wouldn’t come close. It all started on the worst day of my life, that fateful day against Hereford when we were relegated from the Football League, to be relegated anyway is bad, but to drop off the end of the known football world was unimaginable after supporting a club all your life.

The patron of many non-league cup competitions.

There are a few advantages to non-league football however.

1. Booze – we all know that alcohol and football are now mutually exclusive these days but as non-league football is stuck in the 1940s you can turn up at your oppositions Town at 11am on match day, drink yourself silly, act like a complete arse and still get into the ground (the stewards tend to actually drag you into the grounds).

2. New places to visit – Conference towns tend to be sleepy market towns with most of the populous ignorant of the fact they have a football team. They all share common factors – a cattle market next to the ground, a castle and scrumpy.

3. Knockout competitions where you could actually win something – if you thought the Autoglass was a Mickey Mouse Cup, try the Bob Lord Trophy (the Conference’s League Cup probably called something else now). This didn’t actually stop us winning fuck all for a change though. In addition you get to play even diddier teams from leagues you’ve never heard of, and they all want to beat you because you were in the Football League and hence the “giants” and not the minnows, which is weird. (This also added to Halifax Town’s Hall of Shame (Cup defeats) Gainsborough Trinity, Bamber Bridge – it’s near Preston, etc, etc). And also the FA cup starts in June the year before and you have to play about fifteen qualifying rounds to get to play Barnet.

The main disadvantages

1. It’s dire – no matter how much you try to jolly yourself playing Gateshead away, sitting in a stadium that holds about 20,000 with a crowd of 600 is shit, no atmosphere, crap football and bloody freezing.

2. The loss of all your local derbies, to think I’d miss going to Rochdale, because all Conference teams are either in the North West, South West or the Midlands.

On a more general note, it’s true that the standard of football in the conference doesn’t differ that much from the League, most of our current squad played in the Conference last year (bought for the princely sum of fuck all!), the main difference being that League footballers can train full time (i.e. piss about a bit till 1200 and then go to the pub). Quite a few of our part time players had a hard decision to make to turn full time because they had well paid full time jobs.

The crowds at The Shay don’t seem to have altered that much, even through the very bad times (we were nearly relegated from the Conference the year before last) a hard core of fans has remained and with the Conference title last year managed to attract quite a few new faces.

The away end at The Shay is supposed to be growing a roof, when, how and what sort is a mystery. That end was supposed to be for home fans with a bar underneath but the plans seem to have floundered, maybe we should ask our beloved chairman what is happening.

Unk

It was interesting to read the reports from journalists unfamiliar with City, and contrast their conclusions with those in the local rag, the Fieldmouse Daily a.k.a. the Hull Daily Mail. They couldn’t be more different. The Hull Daily Mail was, as you’d expect, much more upbeat, lavishing praise on the players for their wonderful display, and on the fans for their loyal support. The Mail gave the game and its build up a lot of coverage, and although much of it was patronising, especially the ‘behave yourself’ headline, it at least portrayed the club in a positive light. 

The actual report on the match didn’t really feature the football, which isn’t surprising, as it was written by a rugby fan, [journalist?] but the Mail did make the astonishing claim that City had created as many chances as had Villa. Not from where I was standing we didn’t. Overall the Mail’s report was heavily weighted in favour of City, which again, you’d expect from a local paper, but it didn’t convey the reality of the game. To say that Villa looked anxious as City tore into them as just a bit too much like creative writing.

By contrast the report in the Sunday Times was altogether different, and a much truer reflection of the game. The report began with a retrospective look at the Tigers and quite rightly surmised that the club’s current problems are a result of massive boardroom mismanagement in the past. The reporter, Martin Searby, quite bluntly stated that Hull City are heading for oblivion in the Conference2, and he might not be far wrong. He also observed that City players ran willingly enough but they had little idea when in possession, and that really is hitting the nail on the head. It has been an all too familiar story this season, particularly in recent matches. City have had plenty of the ball, but they seem totally bereft of ideas going forward. The only tactic seems to be lump the ball blindly forward for whichever teenage striker is playing that week.

Returning to the Sunday Times report, Searby suggests that Villa strolled into the next round without breaking sweat and that the Tigers had little to offer. Although City fans won’t have enjoyed reading that, they will, if they are honest, have to admit the validity of those statements.

So the report is accurate as far as the match goes, but there is a paragraph with which I strongly disagree. Searby claims that City fans still dream of Carter, Wagstaff and Chilton and have no time for realism. That may be true amongst older, stay at home supporters, but most City fans are not only realistic, but even pessimistic (and possibly suicidal as well). When you are staring non-league football in the face, you have no option but to be pragmatic. Despite what the Sunday Times says, we are not incurable romantics.

Searby goes onto say that City’s allocation of tickets were sold out so quickly because there was nobody in the City who did not want to miss humiliation on a grand scale. This not only seems to suggest that all Hull residents are sado-masochists who like to be ritually abused (which admittedly is true of those in Swanland) but it also shows that the reporter simply does not understand the psyche of lower league football fans. The trip to Villa was an opportunity for the long suffering supporters to see their team mix it with the big boys. More importantly, it afforded a chance for them to show that even though they support a crap team, they have more faith and passion than the plastic fair weather fans of most Premiership clubs.

But apart from those cheap shots at the club and it’s fans, the report in the Sunday Times was pretty accurate, and its sentiments were endorsed by most other national papers. The Mail on Sunday said Villa were never threatened, although they did say that City showed enough to suggest that they can avoid relegation. The Sunday People reported that City forced Villa to battle all the way, although they also reckoned that the Tigers are heading for non-league oblivion. The Sunday Express and Sunday Mirror believed that City showed their pride, if not any footballing ability.

So the Tigers made the papers, if not any headlines with their jaunt to Villa Park. Now of course the press will go back to ignoring us, but come April, they might just be starting to write their stories about Hull being the biggest city in Britain with a non-league football team.

Craig Ellyard

What is it about Hull that makes us all simply accept mediocrity? Is it because we are such nice people that we appreciate everything without question? Do we simply prefer the quiet life or is it a case of “Well, what choice have we got?”

I can’t believe that Radio Humberside is still a viable concern. Come on, how many of you only bother to tune into the Soap Box in order to hear someone ranting about Hull City, or Sport on a Saturday in the hope that someone just might say something positive about our club? Well, so long as Chris Harvey is still there I suppose you might stand a fighting chance. Most of the time, we simply end up getting wound up, ridiculed and patronised by a Mr. David Gibbins and more recently his sidekick Trevor West.

I cannot remember ever having listened to a programme with Gibbo when I didn’t end up wanting to slap his ugly face into next week. At the BBC, they are I’m told, instructed to remain impartial and concentrate on the facts. They are expected to be uncontroversial and supportive of their local communities. Admittedly at Humberside they transmit to the South Bank, yet as Hull is the largest city in their catchment it wouldn’t be too unreasonable to expect that they could find a decent reporter to cover sport in Hull.

In the past we have all listened to the many programmes and match reports given by David Burns and Gwillym Lloyd. Although Gibbins was always in the background, these two always managed to find a way to introduce humour into their productions. Despite the fact that most of the teams in the city were struggling, they always remained supportive and were experts at commentating with enthusiasm and the facts. They remained impartial, yet encouraged others to offer their opinions without belittling them. They would offer criticism where it was due, but at the end of the day the broadcasts were balanced, informative and a pleasure (if not a must) to tune into.

Since the departure of Burns and Lloyd we have been given no alternative but to listen to the arrogant and self-opinionated Gibbins, if indeed we bother to tune in at all. Many are unable to attend away games, they instead rely on Blunderside to keep up to date with our performances, although it has been admitted that Teletext is a much better option.

Trevor West is an ex-Policeman/Referee who for some ridiculous reason has been given the responsibility of reporting on Hull City’s games. He not only has trouble naming a player with more than four letters in his name, he cannot keep up with the pace of the game. Having had the pleasure of listening to one of his commentaries I am not ashamed to say that I fell asleep half way through the second half. What an interesting man he isn’t.

Football is an expensive hobby and although Hull City enjoys some amazing gates there are many thousands more who would if they could justify the cost to support City on the terraces. BBC Radio Humberside seem ignorant to this fact. They have a responsibility to encourage that increase in support. I wonder how many potential spectators have been lost as a result of listening to the negative and condescending tones of Gibbo?!

Most recently, there have been two incidents which have thrown me over the edge as far as Radio Humberside and David Gibbins are concerned. One was his commentary of our FA Cup game at Luton. I missed the game because of work commitments yet listened intently to the programme praying for victory. I have never, ever heard a local commentator sound so negative and despondent when his local side open the score. Shortly after Luton equalised I lost transmission , I think it had something to do with the fact that my radio was on the floor in bits. David Gibbins went mad, he seemed to be reaching orgasmic climax through his delight that an equaliser had been scored. “We now have a real game on our hands!” he relayed to those of us at home holding our heads in despair. I have since been told that after this point Chris Harvey took over. Was Gibbins in need of medical attention? I know if I’d been in the vicinity of the obnoxious prat he certainly would have been.

Secondly was the phone in he conducted prior to the take-over. He was patronising and downright rude throughout but nothing prepared me for the manner in which he spoke to Tom Belton. Tom remained calm and dignified while Gibbins continued with his onslaught of ridicule and barrage of accusations. As I sat listening, cringing with each sentence, I prayed that Tom and his consortium would take control of the club so that Gibbins would get his comeuppance. Despite the fact that this has since happened, Tom has remained very much the gentleman, freely giving interviews, partaking in phone-ins without any fuss. Yet David Gibbins has made no attempt to apologise or even acknowledge his disgraceful behaviour.

He still remains Head of Sport and I for one will no longer punish myself by listening to him. Until our community radio decides to represent this club with the kind of support it deserves then I would endorse the decision to show them the contempt they deserve.

The Platted Muff

Why are we so shit? I used to ask myself that question when we finished every season 14th in the old Division 2. Those were the days – when we used to laugh at clubs like Stockport and Crewe, and when not even the anoraks had heard of Wimbledon. Times have changed at Boothferry Park. One of the best grounds in the country is now a dump, the team is truly a bag of shite, a crowd of 6,000 is exceptional and the Dons are one of the top ten clubs in the league.

So where has it all gone wrong? One thing is for sure, it’s not something that happened overnight. Younger fans may point to the memories of Fish, Dolan and Lloyd. But it goes much deeper than that. This club has been dying for the past thirty years, and, at the risk of upsetting a whole generation of supporters, much of the blame should be attached to Harold Needler. Old man Needler is often described as the father of Hull City, and of course in many respects he was. It was his vision that resurrected the pre-war Hull City Football Club and that built Boothferry Park. However, it should be remembered that it was the fans who provided most of the (unpaid) labour, and a Football Association loan that realised the capital.

Once the ground was built, there then followed the so-called golden era of Hull City. Although there certainly wasn’t anything golden in the trophy cabinet. Older supporters still rave about the in Raich Carter’s day, but despite the phenomenal crowds that flocked to Boothferry Park, City never got within a sniff of top flight football.

But the real opportunity, and why I believe Harold Needler is as culpable as anyone for the demise of Hull City, was in the mid-sixties. The City side that blew away the old Third Division in 1965-66 was a brilliant team, and one that should have gone all the way to the top. The fact that the board chose to finance ground improvements instead of releasing funds to buy some top class defenders meant that City missed out on their best chance of going up to the top division. Cliff Britton, the manager at the time, took a lot of stick for not strengthening the defence, but what could he do without any money? It was fully two years after the promotion campaign, with City in real danger of relegation, before Needler was persuaded to stump up some cash when Britton paid Millwall £18,000 for Tom Wilson.

Wilson was one of City’s best ever defenders, and his signing demonstrates the type of quality player that the manager would have brought in if he had been given the chance. Unfortunately the Needler board were more intent on building a monument to their own short-sightedness than investing in a team to take City to the top.

In defence of Needler of Harold Needler it could be argued that the only thing he was guilty of was lack of ambition. And there were many City fans at that time who were convinced that the club just didn’t want First Division football. Also, while there can be no question about Harold’s personal character, he palpably lacked football knowledge, and this was probably another contributory factor towards his failure to realise that a modest investment in two or three players could well have seen City promoted to the First Division.

But Needler’s failure to back his manager is probably only the second worst mistake he ever made. His biggest error of judgement was the unforgivable sin of fathering the odious Christopher, the man who was to finally drive Hull City to the brink of self destruction.

If the Tigers were just a hobby to Harold, then to Christopher they were a massive inconvenience. The man never had an ounce of affection for the club that daddy had built and he presided, mostly in absentia, over the fall and fall of the Tigers. The “Needler chequebook is closed” refrain was heard at Boothferry Park more often than “come on you ’ull”, yet the man, for reasons of his own, stubbornly refused to let anyone come in and take over the club.

Until that is – a certain Southern tosser hove into view. With the club already on its knees, with its assets stripped and internally rotten to the core, Christopher finally took the money and ran – all the way to the South of France. The rest as they is history, and was probably inevitable. The club is in freefall, and we have only 20 games to save ourselves from the Conference, from where I am convinced we will never return.

But things could have been so different if Harold Needler has grasped hold of the mettle in the mid-sixties and taken City to the top flight.

Craig Ellyard

“We desperately need a full time, experienced manager – no doubt about it,” so said uncle Tom after the Brighton debacle. But do we get Neil Warnock, Mick Wadsworth or John Ward, someone who has seen it all and done it all at this level? No, we get Warren ‘one of the boys’ Joyce. While there can’t have been many City fans who were surprised by the appointment, I’m sure that there were many who, like myself, couldn’t help but feel disappointed. 

The appointment of Joyce has got to be seen as a gamble, but is it a gamble that we can afford to take? Adrift at the bottom of the league, we just do not have the breathing space that may be needed while Joyce learns his new trade.

It’s often said that it is harder at the bottom then at the top, and a relegation dogfight is not the ideal place for a manager to start his career. Look what happened to the last manager we had who had no previous experience to fall back on when the going got tough. Warren Joyce undoubtedly has many qualities, and he is certainly a fighter, but the cynics amongst us, OK me, will view Joyce has been the cheap option. It has to be said that with the continuing uncertainty about how much it will cost to pay off Mark Hateley, the club’s options were severely limited.

They probably couldn’t afford to pay the kind of salary that an established manager would be looking for, nor could they hope to attract another clubs manager, such as Scarborough’s Mick Wadsworth, as compensation payments would be out of the question. It is so much easier, and cheaper, to promote someone from within the club. So perhaps Warren Joyce was always the only real choice.

But will Joyce be able to get the best out of the team? The main concern has got to be that he is to close to the players. He has been a mate and one of the lads, but now he has to crack the whip. The players have said that they will play for Joyce, let’s hope that they do, because they certainly never played for Hateley. Bringing in John McGovern as assistant may be a good move by Joyce, perhaps McGovern will be the hard man of the partnership, but the duo will have to quickly find a formula to get the best out of the squad and any players that they bring in. They have started well, and at the cup tie with Salisbury they showed a refreshing wiliness to change things around. The team is in a rut and the dynamic duo have to try anything to get City winning again. The problem is time, or rather the lack of it.

Joyce’s appointment can, in many ways, be seen as a timid one, but in many respects it will be an excellent guideline as to the intentions and resources of the clubs new owners. If Joyce is given the money to bring in quality players, assuming that he can attract them in the first place, then all well and good. But if the manager is only allowed to bring in kids, or thirtysomething has-beens, then not only will his job be virtually impossible, but it will confirm that uncle Tom and his boys just do not possess the financial clout to successfully rebuild Hull City.

But hopefully the appointment of Joyce will be the catalyst for a revival that sees City storming up the table – 91st would do though. I sincerely hope that Warren becomes the best manager that City have ever had. And if he does then it will complete an amazing turnaround for a man who was once reviled by many on the terraces. Vilified by the fans for being Dolan’s poodle, his relationship with the fans reached an all time low with the infamous goal ‘celebration’ in front of an empty Kempton stand. It’s ironic that Dolan’s boy has outlasted the brave new world of Lloyd and Hateley. But it is testimony to the mans character and resolve that during Hateley’s reign, Joyce was undoubtedly Citys best and most consistent performer. Let’s hope that he brings the same level of performance to the managers job.

Good luck mate, you’re going to need it!

Craig Ellyard